Normally I wouldn’t post something like this. I would hold in the feelings, my thoughts and just go on with life. However, this week a series of unfortunate events coincided with the topic of resilience in my unstoppable course. That being said I thought I would share.
So this past week started with the tragic news of a fallen classmate. A great girl I went to high school with, was lab partners with and saw most every day of high school passed away. She was 33 years old and although we haven’t spoken since high school I followed her unfortunate journey through her cancer. She used a blog to express her emotions reach many other people giving them hope. She was an amazing women…
This news was followed 3 days later with the news that my Godmother passed away. My Godmother, but she wasn’t sick, she wasn’t in and out of the hospital. I saw her not long ago. I was going to see her again in a week for Easter. How? Why? I don’t understand.
In both cases I have noticed that the outside world didn’t notice that I received such news unless I told them. I hold the emotions in, but I still feel the pain, I feel the loss. I somehow am able to put those feelings aside and grieve while continuing my day. In the case of my Godmother, I received the news at lunch with my coworkers and somehow finished lunch, went back into work and continued the mock client meetings I had scheduled with the teams of my cohort. I know I wasn’t on my “A” game, but the game I was on wasn’t off enough for some to notice. The next few days I continued this path and finished the work week and have now made it to the weekend. Even this weekend I am taking my time to grieve but pushing forward with work and other obligations.
Thinking about this I wonder if some think I am not grieving their deaths, that I do not feel the loss. Perhaps they see me as being cold and feeling nothing. I don’t exhibit any substantial emotional reaction. The only way others know something is wrong is my sleep is worse that the normal bad it has been. I know this reaction isn’t the typical emotional response of someone who has lost anyone. I know or at least I feel I should be showing more of an emotional response.
Instead, I was able to lose some ground during the week while letting my emotions get the best of me when appropriate. I was taking time for myself and doing what I had to so that I could continue with all the major tasks of my day to day life, work and my family. Then this weekend I started to try to make up those tasks that I let slip. I planned ahead for time away for the wake and funeral and plan to dive right back into work following the funeral. This isn’t because I am cold or I don’t care. It is because I do care and I don’t want to let anyone down and I want to honor the memory of especially my Godmother by continuing to strive forward and live each day doing what I love. I love my work, I have been offered day(s) off to grieve and graciously declined because being around the staff and apprentices at the Guild brings my joy, happiness and in a time of need like this I need that to show me how great life really is.
Thus, although I exhibit the traits of a cold, non-feeling individual, I feel, I miss those that have passed. I choose to push forward, continue to pursue those things that bring me joy. I have made time for my family and will be there for the grieving process. I have put family first and if my family needed me I would put things aside and be there in an instant. That doesn’t mean that I can’t appropriately plan for the time I will be out or try to return to work for special events. For years, I never understood how I could move on like this. Now I call this resilience. I bend to the situation but return to form quickly. I stay the course, remember my Godmother and even my classmate and somehow make time for family, plan ahead and keep my head on straight. I’m not cold, I see it as multiprocessing and just somehow was able to put my grieving to a background process.